sasawoo

so i've been on a break... just going back to basics and enjoying each day. i will be back soon.

thank you for everyone's insight re: last entry.

between the so much and nothing going on in my life for the past couple of months, i think my head is about to pull an exorcist and just spin right off. so for those who still care about what's going on with me..

school:
i decided to go back to school. since last fall, i've been taking some classes at a nearby jc's library tech program to test out the subject and to improve my gpa to apply for grad school. i applied for this coming fall semester at sjsu in their info science program.... well thanks to the governator and the state budget cut, there was an enrollment cap. the program was full by the time they got to my application. so i have to wait for spring admissions, but no one knows if there will be enough money in the budget for spring admissions. there's only two accredited schools in the state, the other one is ucla, which costs more and i'd have to move down. whereas at sjsu, it's all online - i can work while schooling if i wanted to.

work:
i'm still working my part-time job since i'm taking classes.... the plan was to quit when school started so i can full-time school and finish ASAP. also, i've been there so long that that was the only way i wasn't going to feel bad about leaving. to be honest, i absolutely dread going to work. i adore the people i work with, but i do not enjoy the job whatsover. even though, i think it's something i can do well, i can't imagine doing it forever... which is why i haven't gotten my license for it, cuz i know i'll get comfortable. if i can find a replacement at work and attempt to look for another job, there's not much out there either. the economy is bad, and i should be thankful i have a job. but i'm stuck there for another semester at least.

boyfriend:
he's been supportive about school and stuff. though every now and again i'll hear an anxious "hurry up and finish school" (so we can buy a house and get married). though we got into an old issue today, requires patience, understanding and apparently an unspecified amount of time. i feel like i'm on a tight rope right now. i don't know.

parents:
the only three things i hear from them: 1) are you finished with school yet/when are you going find a job? 2) when are you going to get married/how you going to get married when you waste so much money going/eating out? 3) why you getting so fat?

me:
i feel tired, old, ugly and fat. school is holding my life for ransom. w/o it, i can't leave work. if i don't get in for spring, i'm going to start resenting it altogether. time to switch gears and find something else to do? more time wasted. i'm feeling pressure from all aspects of my life. nothing is stable. i am so lost and alone... i wish i can do everything all over again. but knowing me, i'll make each and every mistake again. bleh. i had to give up something i didn't want to recently... somehow it's messed with my sleep schedule and i still can't sleep through the night. i keep waking up after a few hours, up for one to two hours, and then sleep for another three or four again. do this for at least a month and you'll feel and look like a zombie too.
and speaking of.... i've given up so much, WHY is the fucking bitch still in my life?!

this is for gxcad and ajlordnikon:


a few weeks ago, while i was in the living room i heard *honk honk honk* silence for two seconds. *honk honk* silence for a couple seconds *honk* i look out window to see car parked in front of neighbor's house, with girl and dog in car and silently asks wtf and goes back to what i was doing. *honk honk honk honk*

it was pretty early, in fact i just woke up a few minutes ago and it irritated the crap out of me. it was like one honk every other second for about 3 minutes. then i had enough and i opened the window so i could yell at her to "go ring the fracking doorbell!!" that was when i saw that the girl was trying to figure out how to put the club on her wheel!!!

wtf. how stupid was she? o_O

i realize i have not written a real entry in a while. frankly, i feel lately i'm more in my head and at a lost for words. nothing apocalyptic happened, just so you know. i am a-okay.=)

so i decided to share with you this lil story. i have a friend who's getting married in a couple of months and a couple of us girls are trying to plan a bachelorette party. emails are going back and forth about ideas and one of the girls sent an email saying "let's do something like this" and posted THIS LINK. "that's gotta be as fun as the guys' party."

lol. now where is she going to find an elevator for the girls' night out? ;)

every now and again the thought pops in my mind. i wonder how things would be different... then i shake my head and have those thoughts and the sudden guilt fall out as well. the guilt is relentless when i have vivid dreams.

it's been two years... how long before i can let it go?

so last week (or was it the week b4 that?) i was asked to be a groomsmen! lol. like made of honor but backwards.. well almost. i'm not the best man. but i found myself quite amused when ste asked me to be a groomsmen. i immediately pictured how it will be quite a sight to see for stuffy lil old chinese men and women to see two girls walk down the aisle arm in arm. i need to find a cute lil black dress and make a bow tie choker. lol

though... this was not exactly what i had in mind when i said i wanted to be in a wedding party.

oh lastly, i'm SO PROUD of ste... he's all growed up now. i've yet to meet the bride to be.. i need to see who's whipped him into shape. haha.

my wallet says no to retail therapy. =(

i wonder if the only thing that's changed is that now our roles are reversed...

good health and wealth to all!


okay, so you may all know that during chinese new year, a lot of the traditional foods convey a double meaning of good wishes/thoughts. i usually dread the new year bc of those foods. dont' get me wrong i love the holiday of free money, but the thought of those two/three days of family dinners with those dishes makes me shudder. i, for one (although i highly suspect my brother too), am glad that i only see those plates once a year.

one thing that has always creeped me out is the black moss -- homonym for wealth. but everyone has called it "hair" since they were an itty bitty kiddy. and yes, it looks like hair, but it also doesn't taste like anything. but supposedly it now has limits on export, so few years ago people were making fake "hair" and lots of ppl got sick from it as well. you may be thinking ABC scared of everything that isn't in a cutlet, sorry no, i eat (some) organs, willingly and happily. next, i have two words for you: pig's feet. i don't care if it's pickled, steamed or stewed. it does not taste good. ew. there's always a "jai" dish, a vegetarian dish. as far as i can remember my mom has never made it the same twice, but there's always a giant plate of it which lasts for at least three days where we have it for dinner, and my mom and dad can have it for lunch as well. she uses variety of veggies and cellophane noodles without cutting them (her version to longevity noodles). it's ridiculously hard to eat it all knotted up with veggies poking through at you. it's not bad to eat, just that there's so much of it. you won't believe the next thing i'm going to complain about, but it's chicken. how do you knock chicken?? i didn't think it was possible either, until at dinner you eat a yummy looking roasted chicken that has gone cold from being placed on the table all day for chinese new year worshipping(uh.. is that the word?)... cold chicken with a hint of incense. yum-o.

the only thing i look forward to eating is the roast pig, which i can have all year round. but my mom and dad were too chicken to go brave the stores with lines of people going around the block. so my mom made bbq'd some spareribs. it looked so out of place on the table. haha. it sat between the chicken and the fish. i swear they were giving it the stink eye.

as for the traditional sweets, i have no bones to pick with them. just be careful of some brands that are too sugary, your teeth will hurt as you bite into them. lol.

have you ever felt like you've resolved a problem but it's not really resolved? it's kinda like burying the hatchet versus solving the problem. you feel like you've came to a resolution - you talked it over more or less, the problem or root of the problem is exposed, your feelings were conveyed, and you have an answer to it -- the end result you want, even. yet... you're left wondering "hmmm..."

i feel like sometimes my emotional outbursts, are seen solely as that... and not for the reasons behind it. you can't compare me with other girls. you can't compare ANY girl to another. yes, i DO feel some girls use "emotions" to their advantage, to manipulate the situation to their liking. but helloooo.... it's me! i just don't know if he gets that i was serious about everything i said. i mean, i'm sure he understood i was serious -- like you hear it, but are you listening? there was such a sense of finality on my part that it even scared me.


incomplete entry -- the thought choo choo ends here

i've been home, sick the past couple of days...
i'm moping.
i refuse to leave my room unless i have to.
i've had to force myself to eat a little somethiing each day.
my wallet is taking some major damage...




i can't feel my heart...
i can hardly breathe.

in the past year, now almost two years. except now mom has some more subtle and non-subtle ways of bugging me. everything said still applies.

please click HERE


sometimes, i just dunno if i can stand it anymore.

if i just did the smartest thing ever or the stupid thing ever...
all this lil girl knows is that it was effing brilliant, one way or another. lol.




after all i do know "everything" including which one she is on the list.
hmmm.... *watches the web spin*

this clip is full of awesome!

last night i got an unexpected phone call from a friend of mine whom i haven't spoken to in almost a year and she just needed someone to ground her (not like how parents ground their kids, but like giving her a reality check -- i guess she chose me cuz i'm a cynical old shrew). i don't want to go into it, but it sure depressed the hell out of me... she was a mess, driving herself crazy, checking in on the boyfriend telling him to prove he's home by way of roommates or tasks like turning on garage doors, fans, faucets, you name it. wtf happened to my happy, confident, self-assured friend?? she'd never waste her time on bs like this before. what trance did he put her under... what happened?!

the sad part was she knew she needed to get out and she's kinda asking for help...... but she isn't. it's time to hold a mirror to yourself and look at what's happening. ugh. this whole thing just disgusts me. it literally made me nauseous. shoot me if i ever turn into that. sometimes i think enough is just enough. i'm not saying not to fight for it but when you no longer resemble the person that you are/were for the worse, it's time to call it quits. it really shouldn't have to be that hard.

love is a wonderful thing but it is most definitely a sick sick drug.....

despite the fact that this is sung by beyonce, and she oversings everything...
this is an awesomely truthful song.
guys can argue all they want.. =P



( lyrics )

AT ALL. nothing has gone my way in the past month. not one single thing.

and today...
my heart feels like it's been pulled out of my chest, dragged around the floor and left hanging out of my anxiety ridden body. i haven't felt steady for the past few hours, i'm shaking... shallow breaths and i feel like i'm ready to throw up any moment.

i can't tell if i'm angry, anxious or just disgusted.

how can some people be so decent and kind and some people so shady and cruel?

within a 20 min car ride i scanned my radio presets and heard....

disturbia x 2 stations
don't stop the music
shut up and drive
live your life x 2 stations
take a bow
unfaithful (i know.. wtf so old)
rehab

and i may or may not have caught the tail end of her version of "if i never see your face again"

also, now that beyonce has a new album coming out, get ready for beyonce overexposure version 3.0


in case you were wondering... yes, i am referencing this:

i already attended my halloween party last saturday so it kinda feels like halloween has already come and gone. lemme tell you this though, being all dressed up in your halloween costume on october 25th downtown san francisco, had some weird looks from passerbys. i dressed up as a nurse this year, so the boy was lazy and just wore his lab coat that he never wears to work and stuffed my toy stethoscope (from my costume) in the front pocket.

i should post pix soon. a couple "helloooooo... nurse" comments, was hilarious as it completely dated everyone as over 21. meh, it was alright. but i think i'm getting too old for this. it was so hot -- no AC, and i was completely content on having two drinks and walking around to look at other ppl's costumes. a far cry from my weekly clubbing habit in my early twenties. damn. i. am. old.

still contemplating if i want to wear my costume tonight if i go out to the bars and stuff... iono.

HAVE FUN EVERYONE AND STAY SAFE! <3